Pay Close Attention

Whoever coined the phrase “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” was onto a good thing. True allies, on whom you can always trust and rely, are few and far between in life and should be cherished for the rarity they are. Enemies, on the other hand, are competitors or those who don’t have your best interests at heart. They also deserve special attention so that you can understand their motives, anticipate their next moves and stay one step ahead of their games. Lulling your foes into a false sense of friendship in this way may seem underhanded, but it’s a survival tactic. Think of them as “frenemies,” and the task might seem less manipulative! It’s very easy to get drawn into casual gossip in any sphere of life.

Research indicates that humans are evolutionarily programmed to participate in gossip as a means to strengthen social bonds. Office gossip can be particularly hard to resist, and you wouldn’t be alone if you have certain ‘go-to’ sources to feed you your latest scandal. The trouble is, however, is that the office big mouth who you so faithfully rely on for rumors is most probably dishing them out just as generously about you when you leave the room. Studies show that most people only have between five and eight really close friends. Faced with this sobering statistic, it quickly becomes clear how crucial it is to choose your dependable core circle of friends wisely. One of the best ways to go about judging somebody’s character for these purposes is to be quiet and listen carefully to what they’re saying about other people in their absence.

How to Listen Effectively

What listening really means is engaging in discreet, but deliberate, observation of people in a variety of situations, from casual chatter and joking around to more serious conversations and even complaints. It’s only by paying attention and listening to other people interacting in a range of contexts that you can build up an informed picture of their nature and integrity.

1. Don’t Judge a Book by Its Cover

• Remind yourself that appearances can be deceptive. Somebody may look like sugar wouldn’t melt on the outside, but ask yourself if this corresponds with what’s coming out of his or her mouth.
• Listen not just to what people are saying, but also the way they’re expressing themselves. Being nasty about somebody is no less justifiable when wearing a smile, or when preceded by “I don’t want to be mean, but…”.
• Notice the topics of conversation people initiate, as well as the way they react to those instigated by others – the latter can be just as revealing.

2. Beware the Backstabbers

• Be perceptive enough to spot the difference between a harmless joke and malice. A joke is rarely harmless if it’s at somebody else’s expense.
• Notice the people who are always speaking negatively about others, and don’t assume they will spare you the same treatment behind your back.
• Be vigilant around those who are only ever interested in speaking to you when you know something they want to find out. People like that often trade on other people’s business as currency.

3. Be Cautious with Gossip

• Resist the temptation to be in the loop – it might be fun joining in the gossip, but it’s never fun to be gossiped about.
• Be aware that hearsay gossip nearly always creates a climate of mistrust and resentment in social groups. Understanding this and being determined not to contribute to this environment, will lead to gratitude on the part of others, who will ultimately be enthused to follow your lead. Gratitude, understanding, determination and enthusiasm are the ingredients in a GudeJob!
• Don’t say anything behind somebody’s back that you wouldn’t be comfortable saying directly to his or her face.

4. Reserve Judgment

• Don’t be hasty when it comes to forming new friendships, and be wary of anyone who appears to be in a rush to befriend you – true friendships take time and they may have ulterior motives.
• Avoid jumping to conclusions about what’s being said if you catch the tail-end of a conversation. Sticking around and hearing it out will help you size up the storyteller.
• Don’t hesitate to distance yourself from friends or colleagues who don’t support and encourage you – failing to do this will only bring down your morale.

The Power of Positive Association

Surround yourself with people who have earned your trust by proving their ability to refrain from talking about others behind their backs, and you will be rewarded. Your inner circle of friends will be your sounding board and source of words of advice and wisdom; they will indirectly have a large part to play in your future success or failure. Making connections is important in life, but be on your guard and don’t prioritize quantity over quality – nobody needs friends that badly.