Pumpkin Roll Wrong

Dealing with the wrong perceptions about you.
Every Thanksgiving Costco makes these pumpkin rolls that I just absolutely die for. And every Thanksgiving I make it my aim to eat as many of them as I can stand until I get sick. They are that good to me. They come three rolls to a pack, each roll is about eight inches long. Costco knows how to add the right combination of pumpkin and spice and filling and white chocolate that I find them irresistible. I can usually eat seven-eighths of a roll in one sitting (hey, I need to leave some for next time).

I like to eat them in peace, away from my wife who when she sees me with an entire roll on my plate she puffs up her cheeks like a squirrel with a mouth full of nuts as an indication of the direction my weight is heading. Last Thanksgiving I was packing the car with the kids to take them to my parents. My wife was spending Thanksgiving with her siblings because this was the first time they would celebrate it without the matriarch of the family. We would stop by later after leaving my parents.

As I packed the car my wife noticed that I included a Costco pumpkin roll package with only one roll left in it. She puffed up her cheeks and then said, “Honey you’re just being a greedy pig for taking one roll up to your parents. You know I am going to call your mother and tell her what you are doing because that is so wrong…”

I looked at her and I smiled and continued packing. What my wife didn’t realize was that I purchased a second pumpkin roll package to take to my parents, and that the single extra roll was in case someone else wanted to take a roll home. She was pumpkin roll wrong.

What I realized then was that my wife made a decision based upon her own perceptions which really didn’t reflect my intentions or motivations at all. I extended this thought and remembered the many disagreements we had because she or I had our own perception when reality was so much different. In our last disagreement she wanted us both to change jobs so we could move right away because the housing prices in the neighborhood we wanted to live in were steadily increasing. When she gets housing angst I try to remind her that since both kids are scholarship bound for college that when they finish high school not only will we save on school expenses but also we would have more time to devote to our careers thereby providing us more opportunity to move. She disagrees and our disagreements usually end as another irreconcilable difference and we just move on until the topic is brought up again.

I use to get really frustrated with her but I’ve come to the realization that because she brings her own experiences to the table the best that I can do is listen and acknowledge her point of view and then offer some suggestions that could help us move along in the process. After that, I go back to doing what I believe is best for our future. For me, spending quality time with the family takes priority over building my business or getting a new job because quality family time today is something that I will never get back.

How do you respond when someone has the wrong perceptions of your motivations or actions? And what do you do to effectively live with irreconcilable differences? Here are several things that helped me:

Respond but don’t react

Learn to challenge people’s comments in your own mind and if you realize they may be right then respond by immediately thinking of alternatives instead of giving up. For example, if I have a massive ice making machine and I tell someone my idea is to sell ice to Eskimos and they tell me that’s the worse idea in the world, that it would never work, and I would be stupid if I pursued it; my reaction might be to get angry and forge ahead anyway or tell them that they are right and quit. However, a way to respond is to first think about what is said and then think again about other possibilities.  Where else and who else can I sell ice to? I can always respond by altering my plans based upon input but I should never, ever let what others say derail me.

Ignore it (the right way)

The phrase ‘ignorance is bliss’ is not always true. We have to receive input from others in order to learn and grow; however, we must constantly be on the lookout for input that is self-serving and that does not help us be fruitful and effective. How can you tell the difference? One clear sign is if the input is criticism without correction. If someone has something to say but doesn’t offer a solution to correct the so-called problem—and, the correction is advice that they have not taken themselves to correct their own problem—then it probably is input that you may want to ignore.

For example, if someone says to you, “Your problem is that you need to learn how to be more appreciative about the things you already have,” and that’s the extent of their criticism, then that’s input you might want to ignore if it is in response to you pursuing a goal like getting another job or opening up your own business. Ignoring it the right way would be to listen and then respond by letting them know that you heard them.

But if someone says to you, “I had to learn to change my attitude about my job because it was negatively affecting my home life, so I decided to pursue a hobby that I love and maybe in a few years I could turn it into a business…,” that is input you can use. So take a moment to determine the input you are receiving and consider the input’s source and decide in advance that you have the right to choose which input to accept and which input to ignore.

See the glass as half full

If you have a tendency to see the glass as half empty always hoping for the best but expecting the worse so that you won’t get disappointed by life then I have two words for you—STOP IT! You do have my permission to use these exact words when you inject negativity into a situation or allow the negativity of others to dictate who you are or how you feel about yourself or your situation.

When others present you with a glass as half empty it is your responsibility to put a lid on it and flip the glass over—there, now it’s half full. It is okay to admit to yourself that it’s hard to be able to see a particular situation in a positive light at the moment, but commit to finding something positive that you can gain from it.

When country singer Joey Feek was diagnosed with terminal cervical cancer she had no idea that her condition would spark my wife to infuse the cancer treatment program at her community clinic with more resources so that they could help save lives. And when Trevor Noah grew up under the oppressive South African apartheid government, he could not imagine how his experiences prepared him to replace Jon Steward on Comedy Central’s The Daily Show. So yes, you can be handed a glass that is half empty, but only you can choose to flip the glass and see it as half full.

Responding positively no matter what

Learning to respond positively no matter what takes daily practice. It often requires you to catch yourself right after responding negatively to remind yourself to change the way you respond. For example, whenever I watch a tragic story on the news where people are left dead or seriously injured, it’s almost impossible to respond positively. But, I can respond by being grateful for those who did survive. And, I can certainly express and feel empathy for those who lost their loved ones—that’s a positive response too. Even in tragedy you should remember that positivity still exists. And if you believe in prayer, pray for others as well as yourself because prayer allows you to get outside of yourself and think about others. Focusing on the tragedy causes the negativity to linger longer, but by responding positively you lessen the impact of negative forces trying to derail you.

Practice breathing attentively

Sometimes when a person is being non-constructive you don’t have to say or do anything; you can focus on your breathing. Focusing on your breathing helps you to control how you respond to other’s perceptions about you by getting your brain to think more clearly about what your next step should be. There are breathing techniques that you can use to help you breath more attentively.

Be compassionate with yourself

Oftentimes when we react to other’s misperception of us with anger, resentment, or defensiveness, it is because there may be some underlying resentments within ourselves. In other words, the misperception causes us to relive some past resentment, thereby, we must fight against it at all costs. Being able to handle misperceptions requires you to be compassionate with yourself. If you are the type of person who can forgive the mistakes and stupidities of others, you should also extend this same compassion to yourself. By forgiving yourself for making foolish mistakes you are not as susceptible to other’s misperceptions of you. We all makes mistakes and everybody has played the fool, so give yourself a break.

Don’t take it personally

I remember fretting about someone in an authority position with no ounce of sense acting like a jerk. My friend Todd Pike was there and afterwards he said this to me: “When an idiot calls you an idiot, they are actually giving you a compliment. So don’t take it personally.” Todd was right. There have been far too many times when I have taken words directed at me personally. I need to remember that a person has every right to give their opinion—not to be confused with fact—and that I have every right to either receive it or reject it. I have every right, and so do you. This is your gift to yourself and now it’s time to open your gift and use it.

So the next time somebody says something to you that is pumpkin roll wrong, you can simply nod and smile knowing that they have every right to be wrong. And then you will be able to do a GudeJob and move from Point A to Point B.